It made me cringe...

...to read some of the stuff that I wrote more than a decade or so ago. I was very happy that I was alone when I read them and kind of glad that a lot of them have been lost. It does lessen the embarssment some. But knowing that I have purposely sent some of them to family and friends...oh well, I can always blame it all on my youth.

But then I read some anecdotes I wrote from just a few years back of my life in China and I realized that in my writing at least, I haven't matured quite as much as I thought. lol! It was, to say the least, humbling. I think now that I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. That means I have to keep busy and keep writing as much as I can.

I'm excited to be doing it at this time. For want of a new hobby, I've come back to something that I love and enjoyed doing in the past. As I said, I have always been a big believer in words and how it reaches and influences people. I want to get to that point where what I have to say actually has value and in some way affect, well not a huge number of people (though anything is possible), but someone. But maybe in the end, it will only have changed me. And that's not a bad idea at all.

When I was younger...

...I used to enjoy writing. I would write about stupid things. I would romanticize places. I would create imagined realities. I can't go back to that time, but I can go back to that habit. I still love to imagine, I still spend time in daydreams and I would still like to try to make real what isn't.

I have always believed in the power of words. I have always loved the power of words. I would like to learn to wield that power. And so this blog came to be. This is for me. Let this be my rehearsal studio, my idea board, and practice hall rolled into one. I will not always like what I write. I won't always find the right words. But I will always make it a point to try. Let the words take over and see where it leads.

I've never really been...

...good at sharing. My ideas. My dreams. My thoughts. My plans. What I think. How I feel. These are mine and I just never liked to share. Not really and hardly at all. I like what's mine to be mine. Sometimes it makes me feel bad, knowing this. But sometimes, I think it's my due. It doesn't make it right, but it is the truth. I feel like when I share what is mine, it stops being mine and I no longer wish to own it. I know that means I'm selfish. But does that make me a bad person?

                    ---------------------


In a world that has taught us the constancy of change, I refuse to learn, so I cling to what I hope is mine. I cling to a past that is no longer there. I cling to dream that is no longer possible. I cling to a reality that barely exists.