There are people...

...whose inner glow is so bright such that just being near them makes you feel the same glow. Whose passion is so contagious that they fire your own passion, too. Whose joy is so vibrant that a simple smile in your direction brings out your own inner light. Whose wonder and pleasure are so real that in that instant, they make you believe, too. Whose peace is so encompassing that being in their presence makes you feel a stillness in your own soul. 

There is of course the opposite. Those whose energy seem to suck out the life in an entire room. Whose presence renders one dumb and senseless, but not in admiration and awe. Who belittles with just a look. Whose carelessly issued words snuff out the light of your dreams. Who communicates contempt with their silence until you are left with nothing but doubt.

There is a third and more insidious group. Those who remain unmoved despite what they see. Those who would have themselves believe that they are above the tumult and the difficulties. Who choose to feel nothing and do nothing. Those who would have you question what the point is to all this life.

They are all of them real. All of them yield equal power. But they are not the only ones. There is sadly a greater majority of those who simply follow. It might seem like the choice is easy, but it hardly ever is. Not one of us is ever as we seem, for we all wear our mask well.  

It's not always easy...

...coming up with new ideas. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to think, the words just don't come. So I stop thinking too hard.

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From where I am sitting, I have a perfect view of the skyline. Never mind that it's marred by tall electrical poles, or wires that criss-cross along the sides. The skies are blue and the clouds are a fluffy white. It looks like the perfect day to be outdoors: having a picnic, lying on the grass, or flying a kite maybe. And then the clouds start to thicken and just like that, my view of a perfectly sunny day changes. 

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I am at loose ends right now. So much time to waste, not enough to do. I can't say that about most days so this is a luxury I will savor. I'm pretty sure it will be over before I know it so I will try to enjoy  every minute.

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I don't mind my own company. In fact, In some cases, I enjoy it. I talk to myself. I wonder and laugh aloud about things on my own. It gets funny when I do it around other people though. They stare. But I've become quite good at ignoring them and I've come to accept that their opinions are not my problem.

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I guess I'm a loner. I know I'd rather be alone than be thrust into a social situation, where I feel out of my depth and element, and end up saying something totally inane and senseless, that I will end up mulling over and regretting for hours and days to come. Sometimes, I do feel so socially inept that it seems better to stay locked up in my corner than to subject other people to my ineptitude. So I either limit my interactions or keep my mouth shut. Some people perceive it as aloofness, to me it's self preservation.

I was stumped....

 ...by a question a friend asked over coffee last Saturday. She asked, "What were your top 3 blessing for the past year?" It wasn't an overly difficult question. I can actually imagine friends raising their hands, jumping up and down, and shouting "me! me! me!", in their bid to answer that question. But there I was, stumped. I couldn't think of a thing to say. It wasn't that it was a bad year, far from it. In fact, it was a year when I came to terms with a lot of things about myself. So in a way, it was  a year littered with blessings.

I guess the 'top3' part was where I got stuck. I was looking at the year and tried to look at the big stuff, the amazing stuff, the unbelievable stuff that wowed people into silence. There was none that I could remember. I remember trips with friends that I found rejuvenating. I remember quality time with family that made me happy. And I remember quiet moments that made me think. So I thought about it and listened to their stories of renewed relationships, lives of service and fresh discoveries, as I thought about my relatively drama-free and uneventful year.

I am not, nor have I ever been overly-competitive. I'm no under-achiever either. I've had quite a number of victories in my life that gave me confidence and failures that turned out to be good things. But at that moment, as I sat there, I was thinking that maybe I don't ask enough of myself. Maybe I don't have enough focus. Maybe I should have better direction. Maybe I should start setting bigger goals for myself. Bigger than the next trip or the next holiday. But then I realized, I'm not that person.

I am ambitious, but in a different way. I find pleasure in simple things, but I am also amazed at the great ones. Spending time alone gives me peace, but being surrounded by family and close friends bring me joy. Going on short trips rejuvenate me, but planning long vacations gives me a thrill. This is the way I am. I thrive on the simple joys and amazing discoveries. They don't always match each other in number, but they are always present whether I choose to remember them or not. So this is what I resolved, I will make a list, a cheat sheet if you will. I will write highlights for each month so that when I get asked the question again, I can confidently raise my hand and say "me! me! me!"

    

There is a small brown card...

on my desk that asks, "What images come to mind when you are asked about your childhood?" A little over a decade ago, I wrote a sort of answer to this question. The question now is, would I answer the same way now? Do I feel the same way now that I felt those many moons ago? There's a question.

This is part of what I wrote then: "I remember having to ask permission to go to the beach even it was just across the street from the house. I remember going around my grandparents' property with my cousins, in search of hidden treasures. I remember falling into the knee-deep fish pond while crossing a make-shift bridge. I remember ice creams in cones and dry ice being thrown into the pond so we kids could watch it dancing in the water. I remember puppet shows and singing accompanied by my cousins playing their guitars. I remember power shortages when the older cousins would catch fireflies from the numerous trees and put them in bottles to use as light while we did all sorts of crazy things to entertain ourselves. I remember big trees lit by fireflies like Christmas lights at night. I remember chasing after hermit crabs on the beach. I remember my uncles and male cousins wading in the pond to catch fish and then throwing it towards the “island” for us to pick up and put in buckets. I remember a host of other things that are too many to put down. I remember loving every minute of it all. And I remember crying when it was all over and the time had come for us to go back to home to Manila."

Here's more of what I remember: I remember putting on impromptu talent shows with my cousins, where our parents would try to pit us against each other. I remember a poem that we all had to memorize and recite as a rite of passage because my grandfather wrote it. And later as teenagers and young adults, I remember locking all the doors and windows of my grandparents living room so no one could enter while we watched an old home video of our childhood display of talent. I remember the embarassment we all felt as we all saw ourselves taking the stage and innocently showing off how good we were at whatever talent our parents told us we had. I especially remember the teasing, the ribbing, and the loud laughter that followed us almost into sunrise and the vow never to show the video to anyone else. 

Looking back at my childhood, I find myself happy with the images I conjure. There are so many memories to look back on. And reading through the memories I wrote down still makes me feel the same twinge of bittersweetness, the same poignancy, the same whimsy. Maybe I don't quite see them with the same vividness, but the emotions remain. Many of the things I see, hear and experience now serve to remind me of them and make me grateful. It truly was a special time and I will always be thankful that I was blessed with a wonderful childhood that made such joyful memories.