...for my parents advice. My sister and I are different that way. She with her need to consult and seek guidance and I, with my need to mull things over myself. My dad once told me, "You've always been like that. You don't tell us what's going on, you just make a decision yourself and tell us when it's over." I laughed it off at that time. I truly didn't realize it until then. What I never told him was that the reason why I was so confident in making my own choices and making my own decisions was because I always felt I had a safety net. I knew that if I failed miserably, I can always come home. They were my warranty from bad decisions and wrong choices. But now, he's not there anymore.
I know my mom misses him. Well, we all do, but her more so. Sometimes, she gets pensive and I know that she's thinking of him. Sometimes she does it in silence, sometimes she does it aloud. And then we all get quiet or start laughing depending on which memory she picks on. And there are so many to choose from. They spent more than half their lives together. That's a lifetime of memories.
I wonder if I would ask him for advice now. Maybe, or maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic. He'd probably look at me funny and wonder if there was anything wrong with me. Yeah, maybe not. But it doesn't matter because I still hear his voice in my head. So maybe I never asked for advice, but the stories stuck, and along with them, the lessons.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
He looked good...
...in red. It was his favorite color after all. It brought out the pink in his cheeks and it lent him a youngish appearance, certainly younger than his age. He used to wear it on his birthdays and some other special occasions and we would compliment him on it.
We had a little celebration for him. My mom ordered white mums and red roses. I'm sure he was there because a butterfly hovered over us during the ceremony. After the mass, we let go of some white balloons. I would have liked some red ones, too. But it's okay, I think he approved.
It's been a year now since he left and remembering still brings a pain. Not all the time, of course. We can't cry over happy memories, and thankfully, we were blessed with too many of those. But the parting and the goodbye, those are a different story. I miss his voice. He was a great storyteller and I miss his endless stories of his youth, his work, our family, my grandparents, my great-grandparents even. I miss looking at the couch and seeing him there. I miss his constant nagging to hurry up when we were about to go on a trip. I miss too many, many things that they sometimes overwhelm me. I just miss him being there.
My sister and I are preparing for another adventure right now. The first long one in many years. I think he would have been very excited for us once he hears where we plan to go and what we plan to do. He probably would have wanted to join us and train alongside us. Now that I think about it, I believe he will find a way to be there with us. Here's hoping. I miss you, daddy!
We had a little celebration for him. My mom ordered white mums and red roses. I'm sure he was there because a butterfly hovered over us during the ceremony. After the mass, we let go of some white balloons. I would have liked some red ones, too. But it's okay, I think he approved.
It's been a year now since he left and remembering still brings a pain. Not all the time, of course. We can't cry over happy memories, and thankfully, we were blessed with too many of those. But the parting and the goodbye, those are a different story. I miss his voice. He was a great storyteller and I miss his endless stories of his youth, his work, our family, my grandparents, my great-grandparents even. I miss looking at the couch and seeing him there. I miss his constant nagging to hurry up when we were about to go on a trip. I miss too many, many things that they sometimes overwhelm me. I just miss him being there.
My sister and I are preparing for another adventure right now. The first long one in many years. I think he would have been very excited for us once he hears where we plan to go and what we plan to do. He probably would have wanted to join us and train alongside us. Now that I think about it, I believe he will find a way to be there with us. Here's hoping. I miss you, daddy!
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
This was my view...
So I got to writing. Putting words together can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world. But sometimes, it's like squeezing water from a rock. In this case, it was somewhere in the middle. I loved sitting there with the windows open, the cool breeze coming in and seeing those beautiful and probably ancient pine trees and giant ferns.
I would have liked to just sit there a bit longer, or maybe while away the rest of the day. This view is part of what I love most about this place, and one of the reasons I will keep coming back. But, time waits for no one and I didn't want to be left behind...
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Impulsive is a word...
...that I never associated with myself. I always thought of myself as someone who took calculated risks or thought long and hard before jumping in. It's funny because a lot of the major changes that happened in my life came about from decisions that I didn't think about too long or too hard. Hardly at all, to be frank. My dad once told me that I've always been like that. I make my decisions, act on them and then tell them about it afterwards. I don't ask for advice or opinions first. Most decisions I make quickly, no what ifs and no back-up plans. Off the top of my head, 3 major instances come to mind:
Cebu. I came to work one Friday evening and my team manager asked who'd be interested in going to Cebu to help out with the nesting phase of the first batch of technical support agents. At that time, I knew next to nothing about the place. All I knew for certain was that I have never been there and I wanted to go. The following Monday afternoon, I was picking up my itinerary from the office and heading to the airport for what was supposed to be a 2-week assignment, which lasted about a year. :)
Baguio. I was vacationing in Baguio with my cousin for a week. One afternoon, on our way home from town, we saw a huge tarpaulin outside this BPO which stated in big, bold letters that they were hiring. The next instant, we were getting off at the next internet café and editing our CVs. Next morning, I found myself being interviewed by the HR manager, then the team manager and being scheduled for an exam. That instant decision was a job that lasted 3 years.
China. On the tail end of a 10-day vacation in Beijing, while a good friend was touring us around his version of the city, I told my sister that I wanted to work there. The results weren't as instantaneous as the first 2 though. There were a lot of logistics to be considered since this wasn't just any foreign country, it was China for crying out loud! A lot of planning, bargaining and organizing went into play. But a little over a year a half after that statement was made, my sister and I were on a flight to Guilin, one of the most amazing places in China, on a 1-year teaching contract. We ended up staying in China for almost a year and a half. And what a wonderful year and a half that was!
I don't know why, but those decisions came about unhampered by fear or doubt. There was a clarity and a feeling of rightness with those decisions. There were times when I questioned my sanity, but never the decision itself. I didn't seek counsel, ask for advice and opinions not because I knew better. Honestly, I really truly didn't. I just knew unquestionably that it was what I wanted at that moment in time. I wasn't trying to be selfish or arrogant. It was just that I knew that if I ask and hear even a small question of doubt or worry from well-meaning family or friends, my resolve might sway and I will be driven by indecision which will taint whatever I do from thereon. Careful consideration is good and is sometimes necessary. In truth, for many people, it is always the first step. But it can also be a double-edged sword that will leave you frozen, too afraid of choosing wrongly. I'm sure there were moments in my life that I regretted jumping on impulse, but looking back, it was my moments of daring that helped make and define me. Those are the ones that I look back on, and even now, remind me how brave I was and can be again.
Cebu. I came to work one Friday evening and my team manager asked who'd be interested in going to Cebu to help out with the nesting phase of the first batch of technical support agents. At that time, I knew next to nothing about the place. All I knew for certain was that I have never been there and I wanted to go. The following Monday afternoon, I was picking up my itinerary from the office and heading to the airport for what was supposed to be a 2-week assignment, which lasted about a year. :)
Baguio. I was vacationing in Baguio with my cousin for a week. One afternoon, on our way home from town, we saw a huge tarpaulin outside this BPO which stated in big, bold letters that they were hiring. The next instant, we were getting off at the next internet café and editing our CVs. Next morning, I found myself being interviewed by the HR manager, then the team manager and being scheduled for an exam. That instant decision was a job that lasted 3 years.
China. On the tail end of a 10-day vacation in Beijing, while a good friend was touring us around his version of the city, I told my sister that I wanted to work there. The results weren't as instantaneous as the first 2 though. There were a lot of logistics to be considered since this wasn't just any foreign country, it was China for crying out loud! A lot of planning, bargaining and organizing went into play. But a little over a year a half after that statement was made, my sister and I were on a flight to Guilin, one of the most amazing places in China, on a 1-year teaching contract. We ended up staying in China for almost a year and a half. And what a wonderful year and a half that was!
I don't know why, but those decisions came about unhampered by fear or doubt. There was a clarity and a feeling of rightness with those decisions. There were times when I questioned my sanity, but never the decision itself. I didn't seek counsel, ask for advice and opinions not because I knew better. Honestly, I really truly didn't. I just knew unquestionably that it was what I wanted at that moment in time. I wasn't trying to be selfish or arrogant. It was just that I knew that if I ask and hear even a small question of doubt or worry from well-meaning family or friends, my resolve might sway and I will be driven by indecision which will taint whatever I do from thereon. Careful consideration is good and is sometimes necessary. In truth, for many people, it is always the first step. But it can also be a double-edged sword that will leave you frozen, too afraid of choosing wrongly. I'm sure there were moments in my life that I regretted jumping on impulse, but looking back, it was my moments of daring that helped make and define me. Those are the ones that I look back on, and even now, remind me how brave I was and can be again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)